


Home is where you are

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Conversations, Internal Monologue, Late at Night, M/M, Walking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 04:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1969044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky overhears a conversation between Steve and Sam about his very own future. He walks out to think about it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home is where you are

Bucky stopped right in his tracks, he was just passing by Steve's bedroom when he heard him say his name. He was talking to Sam about him !

He took a few steps back and got close to the wall, catching his breath, trying to hear the conversation.

« But Steve you can't ask him so much in so little time, you got to learn to wait. You perfectly know how it is with soldiers coming home. They have a lot of issues to deal with, they must learn to live a normal life again. Your Bucky is exactly like that. »

He heard Steve clearing his throat and saying in a unusually low and tiny voice

« I know that, i know i can't push him. I've been patient during weeks i know the drill. I just feel... » He sighed « I wish there was something there you know ? A glimpse of who he used to be, some clue that he's going to get his memory back one day, that i'm not hoping for something impossible. »

The pain and sadness in his voice made Bucky shiver. He never suspected his supposed friend was in such a state of emotions. Of course he imagined that losing your friend then getting him back without any memory was traumatizing enough. But Steve always seemed so strong and patient and kind, he never could have guessed he was actually in pain.

He didn't hear what Sam said but regained interest when he realized Steve was speaking again, still in a very soft voice that was so estranged to him he felt kind of weird listening to it and trying to associate it with the image of the strong man he knew was a superhero.

« I've thought about it too... I won't force anything on him ever... Even if it means losing my old Bucky for good... »

He stopped breathing, not sure of what he was hearing. Lose him ? For good ? Was he planning on sending him away now that he was tired of trying to get his friend back ?

Bitterness invaded his heart, his jaw tightened. Well he should have expected that from the very beginning. In fact he was kind of expecting it sooner since not a single memory had surfaced in his mind since he came back to Steve to try and see if he could really get back this life he had, this name already engraved on a tombstone and revered as part of the Howling Commandos. He had failed, properly and utterly failed at regaining any glimpse of his past, of their past, their youth that they used to spend together it seemed. Best friend. It had a nice ring to it but the concept was as foreign as dinosaur to him.

« Do you think of letting him have his own appartment then ?» asked Sam, echoing Bucky's thoughts.

He was waiting for the answer as it could change everything, transform his whole world and turn it upside down. Why ? Why would it matter ? How come he was relying on Steve that much ? Would leaving him be so hard as he felt it could be ?

« No i don't and couldn't make him go away. Even if he's not my Bucky anymore he is still someone who needs my help and I know what he's been through. At least i can still be his friend even though he doesn't remember me from long ago. I hope i can still help him get on with his new life. He deserves this, more than anyone. »

He paused a moment, it seemed as though he was taking a decision on this very moment. He inhaled a large amount of air before succeeding in saying the rest of it.

« Even if it means i won't be a part of his life when he feels independant and sure enough to go away on his own... »

His voice broke down on the last words, he sounded overwhelmed with feelings. Bucky had never heard him speak like that, he was frozen against the wall, his very future would influence someone else greatly. He never thought of that. And it was Steve, the one who helped him the most, made a home for him to come back to. He was patient enough to help him adjust to his new life without ever trying to make him do things he didn't want to. He made Fury go away when he tried to recruit him for operations and Bucky felt like dying again.

What was he thinking ? He couldn't possibly stay here forever. Of course he had to start living his own life. But somehow he didn't want it to be that early, he needed time. To adjust. No. Time with Steve. Yes, time with Steve to get to know him better and let him show him the world he just woke up in.

All this time, all the frustration he had inside him, he let it all out on the only one person who was interested in helping him. He never really showed gratitude, not even once. He just waited for Steve to do his thing, looked at him in contempt, let the words flow around him never really listening. But it was so familiar, he didn't want that to end now. He wanted to listen now.

Too many thoughts in his head, he didn't listen to the conversation any longer and just walked softly to the door and went out for a walk. A walk at night while everyone else was going home to their family, those lucky bastards. Rightfully belonging to their era not sent forcefully through ages and on top of that whiped out of their most precious memories.

His pace grew faster, he didn't watch anything in particular, all the lights bluring in his eyes, all the faces unknown and unhelpful. He coudn't recognize anyone anyway so that was it. He wasn't from this world, not welcomed, not wanted, not waited for, except by Steve. Only Steve could imagine what he was going through. Hell he went through the exact same thing and look at him now, all dashing and a great superhero at that. Steve. He couldn't just run away like that.

And he was running fast now, running as far as he could, trying to burn all those thoughts inside his head like he was burning his lungs, breathing rapidly now that he had covered a few miles.

He arrived close to a river and stopped by it, just humming the fresh and damp air coming from it. The lights reflected on the water didn't help him with his sight which was way too blurry now for it to just be some dust in his eyes.

He panted, resting his hands on his knees, blinking ferociously for the tears to go away. When he managed to clear his vision his eyes caught a light reflecting on his metal arm. This curse he wore like a weapon and hated as well as tolerated it. Never a comment about it, never a glimpse too long on it. Steve had never said anything about it, never a bad or a good thing. What did he think about it ? Did he consider him to be an abomination ? Well Steve was above all that, or was he just hiding it not to make him feel awkward ?

More questions and still no answers.

What was he to do next ? What decision would he make for himself ? What did he really want ?

He looked at the palm of his metallic hand. What could he do now that he was free to do whatever he wanted ?

He looked at the sky shining with the orange lights coming from the city trapped in the clouds.

How about repaying a debt ? At least he knew the meaning of this, the importance it had. Especially for a really righteous man like Steve.

He sighed, feeling that yet again his thoughts came back to the guy that had been poking him ceaselessly since he came back.

Yes repaying that debt, the « i save you though you're trying to kill me » would be nice. He guessed. Well he didn't know any better. Now that he had this idea it wouldn't go away.

He had to do right by Steve, the guy waited so long to have him back, at least his Bucky back, he hoped for so long, patiently helped him back to life, restrained his happiness of being with his friend, his eagerness for the memories to come back. He suffered all his crisis, his moods, waving so many times from bad to worse he almost didn't know where to stand at times. But yet he remained close. And he was always there to help with his nightmares, and just for that he deserved a medal because he had his fair share of nightmares more like a ton of those every night. He would wake up with eyes so tired in the morning and yet say nothing close to a complaint. The guy was a rock. Strong and unwavering. Well at least he thought so but considering what he heard tonight he wasn't as still as a rock.

Yes he had to do right by him, repay him, or just be kinder to him. The guy felt responsible for anything bad that happened to Bucky and he was the only one trying to make it better for him.

He stood up straight again, his firm decision being made he felt a new purpose that could drive him for the next few days or weeks. And then... Well he'd have to talk about it and take a decision later.

For now he just needed to go back home. Home. Just for that he had to thank Steve.


End file.
